Jokes

Well, this is the jokes page, and I'm counting on all of you to make it bigger and better. If you have good jokes, any taste, please submit them using a simple form. Also visit the BATTLE OF THE SEXES page, which has men vs. women kinda jokes. Definitely worth the visit if you're aman or a woman, every other sort of lifeform just stay here. I'll get them up right away. For now, you'll just hafta deal with the ones I have here, and trust me, it's not the greatest selection. I've taken these jokes from various sources...For stand up comedy/one liners, visit the quotes page. Oh yeah, no blond jokes please! Not that I don't lie them, but they're too common. :-)
"I'm not dumb, just blond." -Amy Cosgrove

Overheard: My great-grandfather cam eotthe U.S. seking freedom. It didn't work. My great-grandmother came over on the very next boat.
Overheard: The tragedy of Canada is that they had the opportunity to have French cuisine, British culture, and American technology, and instead they ended up with British cuisine, American culture, and French technology.

"Why did you marry your husband?" asked the neighborhood gossip. "You don't seem to have much in common." She replies, "It was the old story of opposites attracting each other. I was pregnant and he wasn't."

CEO: "My wife made a milionaire out of me." Assistant: "What were you before?" CEO: "A multimillionaire."

Hey, have you seen Divorce Barbie in the stores yet? She comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's money,......

Scientists have discovered a rare insect which can only mate inside the posterior of a hippo. Kind of makes the back seat of a Honda look good, doesn't it?

David Letterman: Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt--and that's just in the hot dogs.

Overheard at the track: Horse racing is very romantic. The horse hugs the rail, the jokey puts his arms around the horse, and you kiss your money goodbye.

Just do it:

Firemen find 'em hot leave 'em wet!
Quantum Physicist can only do it in small quantities.
Spies do it undercover.
Paintballers do it 'till their balls burst.
Pizza Delivery men do it in 30 minutes or less.
Basketball players dribble before they shoot.
Gardners do it with their hoe.

MY Nike Theory: K folks, now Nike's slogan used to be "Just do it." Just do what? Let's think about that one. Now their slogan is "I can." I can what? I can do it? I can guarantee that their next slogan will be "anywhere, anytime." So what do we have here? I foyu put all their slogans together you get "I can just do it anywhere, anytime." Hmmm.

A man walks into a butcher shop and saw the butcher making hamburger patties under his arm. So he went to the Health Department to report the butcher. The clerk at the Health Department laughed and said "You think that's bad! you should see the guy who makes doughnuts!"

The teacher gave a writing assignment. He said the only excuss for not turning in the paper would be severe illness. A student asked "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The teacher thought about it for a minute and responded "No. You'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

When the mother asked her little girl what she wanted for her birhtday, she said that she wanted a Barbie doll and GI Joe doll. The mother smiled and said, "but honey, Barbie comes with Ken." The little girl looked at her mother and replyed, "No Mommy, Barbie fakes with Ken, she comes with GI Joe."

Did you hear about the transvestite at the Christmas party? - He wanted to eat, drink, and be Mary.

A prostitute is walking through the park and sees a kohala bear sitting on a bench, she sits beside the bear and before long, they are doing all kinds of things right there on the bench! When they finish, the bear begins to walk away and the prostitute says, "Hey, where are you going?" The bear just looks at her. She walks over to the bear and says "I'm serious buddy, for all we just did there, you owe me $50." The bear just looks at her. She says "Look pal, I'm a prostitute and you owe me $50." The bear gets a dumb look on his face. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a dictionary, opens it to prostitutes and reads to the bear "... Prostitute, one who charges for sex, and I'm charging you $50." The bear grabs the dictionary and opens it to kohala bear and reads "Kohala Bear... one who eats bushes and leaves."

SOME COMPUTER JOKES:

The box said "Requires Windows 95, or better." So, I bought a Macintosh.

Top 10 signs that you are an Internet Geek

1.When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
2.You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
3.Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
4.You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
5.You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
6.You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
7.You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
8.At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
9.After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!" 10.Two Words: "Pizza's Here!".

Computer Error Messages (And what they really mean)

Here is a "quick guide" to what your PC means when it gives you on-screen messages:

Message:
Bad command or file name
Meaning:
You idiot, you can't even get the file name right. Or else the file doesn't even exist, in which case you are stupid beyond mortal comprehension.

Message:
Program requires [a large number] bytes of memory to run.
Meaning:
You asshole, it's just like you to waste memory.

Message: [while booting]:
HIMEM is testing extended memory.....done.
Meaning:
NOMEM is pretending to test your memory that, huge chunks of which are allegedly free, but your computer will not use about 3/4 of, the reason being that it is generally an angry piece of silicon shit.

Message: [When trying to access an online service]:
Service is not responding, please wait a few moments and try again.
Meaning:
You are an insignificant pimple on our rear, and we don't have to serve you if we don't want to. Go fuck a large member of the Bovine family.

Message:
Unidentified error.
Meaning:
You need to spend more money on me before I'm going to do anything consistently.

Message:
Cannot find file.
Meaning:
Are you kidding? I'm a computer. If you think I'm going to waste my time rummaging around for something as insignificant as an extremely important file, you're a real dullard.

Abort, Retry, Ignore - A Poem
Lines Found in the Wastebasket of a Vacant Office

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one -
Choose : "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards,
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation,
Trying random comninations.
Still there came the incantation -
Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore".

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight,
A bold and blinding flash of light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died,
"Oh no -- my database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data -- Nevermore!"

To this day I do not know
The place to which our data goes
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity - well,
I fear that it goes straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell -
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

Submit those jokes!



		Well, this is the jokes page, and I'm counting on all of you to make it bigger and better. If you have good jokes, any taste, please submit them using a simple form. Also visit the BATTLE OF THE SEXES page, which has men vs. women kinda jokes. Definitely worth the visit if you're aman or a woman, every other sort of lifeform just stay here. I'll get them up right away. For now, you'll just hafta deal with the ones I have here, and trust me, it's not the greatest selection. I've taken these jokes from various sources...For stand up comedy/one liners, visit the quotes page. Oh yeah, no blond jokes please! Not that I don't lie them, but they're too common. :-) "I'm not dumb, just blond." -Amy Cosgrove







		Overheard: My great-grandfather cam eotthe U.S. seking freedom. It didn't work. My great-grandmother came over on the very next boat. Overheard: The tragedy of Canada is that they had the opportunity to have French cuisine, British culture, and American technology, and instead they ended up with British cuisine, American culture, and French technology. "Why did you marry your husband?" asked the neighborhood gossip. "You don't seem to have much in common." She replies, "It was the old story of opposites attracting each other. I was pregnant and he wasn't." CEO: "My wife made a milionaire out of me." Assistant: "What were you before?" CEO: "A multimillionaire." Hey, have you seen Divorce Barbie in the stores yet? She comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's money,...... Scientists have discovered a rare insect which can only mate inside the posterior of a hippo. Kind of makes the back seat of a Honda look good, doesn't it? David Letterman: Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt--and that's just in the hot dogs. Overheard at the track: Horse racing is very romantic. The horse hugs the rail, the jokey puts his arms around the horse, and you kiss your money goodbye. Just do it: Firemen find 'em hot leave 'em wet! Quantum Physicist can only do it in small quantities. Spies do it undercover. Paintballers do it 'till their balls burst. Pizza Delivery men do it in 30 minutes or less. Basketball players dribble before they shoot. Gardners do it with their hoe. MY Nike Theory: K folks, now Nike's slogan used to be "Just do it." Just do what? Let's think about that one. Now their slogan is "I can." I can what? I can do it? I can guarantee that their next slogan will be "anywhere, anytime." So what do we have here? I foyu put all their slogans together you get "I can just do it anywhere, anytime." Hmmm. A man walks into a butcher shop and saw the butcher making hamburger patties under his arm. So he went to the Health Department to report the butcher. The clerk at the Health Department laughed and said "You think that's bad! you should see the guy who makes doughnuts!" The teacher gave a writing assignment. He said the only excuss for not turning in the paper would be severe illness. A student asked "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The teacher thought about it for a minute and responded "No. You'll just have to learn to write with your other hand." When the mother asked her little girl what she wanted for her birhtday, she said that she wanted a Barbie doll and GI Joe doll. The mother smiled and said, "but honey, Barbie comes with Ken." The little girl looked at her mother and replyed, "No Mommy, Barbie fakes with Ken, she comes with GI Joe." Did you hear about the transvestite at the Christmas party? - He wanted to eat, drink, and be Mary. A prostitute is walking through the park and sees a kohala bear sitting on a bench, she sits beside the bear and before long, they are doing all kinds of things right there on the bench! When they finish, the bear begins to walk away and the prostitute says, "Hey, where are you going?" The bear just looks at her. She walks over to the bear and says "I'm serious buddy, for all we just did there, you owe me $50." The bear just looks at her. She says "Look pal, I'm a prostitute and you owe me $50." The bear gets a dumb look on his face. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a dictionary, opens it to prostitutes and reads to the bear "... Prostitute, one who charges for sex, and I'm charging you $50." The bear grabs the dictionary and opens it to kohala bear and reads "Kohala Bear... one who eats bushes and leaves." SOME COMPUTER JOKES: The box said "Requires Windows 95, or better." So, I bought a Macintosh. Top 10 signs that you are an Internet Geek 1.When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address. 2.You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?" 3.Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail. 4.You're amazed to find out spam is a food. 5.You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you. 6.You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest. 7.You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications". 8.At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server". 9.After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!" 10.Two Words: "Pizza's Here!". Computer Error Messages (And what they really mean) Here is a "quick guide" to what your PC means when it gives you on-screen messages: Message: Bad command or file name Meaning: You idiot, you can't even get the file name right. Or else the file doesn't even exist, in which case you are stupid beyond mortal comprehension. Message: Program requires [a large number] bytes of memory to run. Meaning: You asshole, it's just like you to waste memory. Message: [while booting]: HIMEM is testing extended memory.....done. Meaning: NOMEM is pretending to test your memory that, huge chunks of which are allegedly free, but your computer will not use about 3/4 of, the reason being that it is generally an angry piece of silicon shit. Message: [When trying to access an online service]: Service is not responding, please wait a few moments and try again. Meaning: You are an insignificant pimple on our rear, and we don't have to serve you if we don't want to. Go fuck a large member of the Bovine family. Message: Unidentified error. Meaning: You need to spend more money on me before I'm going to do anything consistently. Message: Cannot find file. Meaning: Are you kidding? I'm a computer. If you think I'm going to waste my time rummaging around for something as insignificant as an extremely important file, you're a real dullard. Abort, Retry, Ignore - A Poem Lines Found in the Wastebasket of a Vacant Office Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets: Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer. Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore". Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion? These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before. Carefully, I weighed my options. These three seemed to be the top ones. Clearly, I must now adopt one - Choose : "Abort, Retry, Ignore". With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee Finally I pressed a key -- But on the screen what did I see? Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". I tried to catch the chips off-guard -- I pressed again, but twice as hard. Luck was just not in the cards, I saw what I had seen before. Now I typed in desperation, Trying random comninations. Still there came the incantation - Choose: "Abort, Retry, Ignore". There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted; Getting up, I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw an awful sight, A bold and blinding flash of light, A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to my very core. The PC screen collapsed and died, "Oh no -- my database", I cried. I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see your data -- Nevermore!" To this day I do not know The place to which our data goes Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it stored. But as for productivity - well, I fear that it goes straight to Hell. And that's the tale I have to tell - Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.






		Submit those jokes!




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