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101 Ways to Be Annoying:
1.Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2.In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3.Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4.Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip
Beeeep Bip..."
5.If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6.Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7.Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8.Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9.Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
10.Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
11.Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12.Sniffle incessantly.
13.Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14.Name your dog "Dog." (or you could name your cat Kitty like JOHN)
15.Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16.Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17.Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18.Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
19.Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20.Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
21.Practice making fax and modem noises.
22.Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23.Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24.Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25.Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26.Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27.Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28.Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29.Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30.Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31.Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32.Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33.Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34.Drum on every available surface.
35.Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36.Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37.Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38.Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.
39.Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40.Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41.Set alarms for random times.
42.Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43.Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44.Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45.Honk and wave to strangers.
46.Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47.Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48.Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49.Wear your pants backwards.
50.Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51.Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52.ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53.only type in lowercase.
54.dont use any punctuation either
55.Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56.Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57.Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58.Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59.Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someones roadmaps.
60.Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.
61.Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62.Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63.Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64.Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65.Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66.At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67.When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68.Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69.As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70.Stand over someones shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71.Pretend your computers mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72.Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73.Drive half a block.
74.Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75.Ask people what gender they are.
76.Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
77.Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78.Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you dont want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
79.Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80.While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
81.Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82.Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83.Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim its a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84.Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85.Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86.Wear a LOT of cologne.
87.Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88.Sing along at the opera.
89.Mow your lawn with scissors.
90.At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91.Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92.Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesnt rhyme.
93.Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94.Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95.Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96.Never make eye contact.
97.Never break eye contact.
98.Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99.Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100.Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101.Invite lots of people to other peoples parties.
100 Ways to order a pizza:
1.If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2.Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3.Use CB lingo where applicable.
4.Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5.Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6.Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7.Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up
8.Answer their questions with questions.
9.In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10.Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, and PUCE.
11.Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12.Sing the order to the tune of your favourite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD.
13.Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14.Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15.Stutter on the letter "p."
16.Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17.Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18.Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19.Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20.Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21.Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22.Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23.Change your accent every three seconds.
24.Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25.Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26.Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."
27.If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28.Rent a pizza.
29.Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30.Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31.Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32.Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33.Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When hey finally offer proof
that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34.Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream
GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
35.Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36.Imitate the order taker's voice.
37.Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38.When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39.Play a sitar in the background.
40.Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise
him/her.
41.Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42.Ask to see a menu.
43.Quote Carl Sandberg.
44.Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45.Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46.Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47.Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48.Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49.Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50.Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"
51.Psychoanalyse the order taker.
52.Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53.Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54.Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55.Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56.Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57.Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58.Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59.Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60.If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61.Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62.Try to talk while drinking something.
63.Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"
64.Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65.Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66.Be vague in your order.
67.When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68.If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69.After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70.Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71.State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72.Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73.Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74.Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75.When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76.Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77.Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78.Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79.Put them on hold.
80.Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81.Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82.Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83.When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
84.When you're given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85.Haggle.
86.Order a one-inch pizza.
87.Order term life insurance.
88.When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"
89.Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90.Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91.While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92.Engage in some serious swapping.
93.Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
94.Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95.If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you.
96.Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97.Order a steamed pizza.
98.Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99.Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
100.If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
100 Ways to Confuse Your Roommate:
1. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats
meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed
holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks
about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
2. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is
asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate
every morning.
3. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud
as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep
looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
4. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for
your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act
surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."
5. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick
him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
6. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been
watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that
you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
7. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you
wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream
Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
8. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile
them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors
are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the
consequences.
9. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about
his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your
roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
10. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in
training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
11. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate
you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was
home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
12. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am
I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If
your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
13. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at
it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
14. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and
the napkin. Throw everything else away.
15. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks,
start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same
room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the
plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
16. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops
out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
17. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats
eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
18. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look
at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
19. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and
tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for
several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take
off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
20. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours
of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in
front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much
longer."
21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head
with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful
little..."
22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know
how they got there.
23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep
one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
24. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room
and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate.
One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a
will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly
say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
25. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff
back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
26. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
somewhere."
27. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then
pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the
message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint
again. Keep this up for several weeks.
28. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the
building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too,
explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
29. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself.
Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking
backwards again.
30. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your
roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
31. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective
student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate
protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its
feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
32. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the
sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey,
where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
33. Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the
poor picture quality.
34. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every
day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down
underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your
roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window
again.
35. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one
after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others.
Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it.
Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
36. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave,
and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel
sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
37. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate
asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to
bring you food and water.
38. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear
for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door
only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
39. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that
you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
40. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your
roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
41. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It
won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers.
Repeat the process for a few weeks.
42. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often.
Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling
him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I
won't do that anymore, Murray."
43. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
44. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows
how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of
the room with concern.
45. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and
scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes,
and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
46. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone,
screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say,
"That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
47. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and
go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you
can come out now."
48. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take
it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"
49. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing.
Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two
players."
50. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw
the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining,
"No, I want to watch them suffer."
51. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she
says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate
can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
52. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play
loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off
the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was
fun while it lasted."
53. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone
besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim
that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your
roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
54. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the
toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out
the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
55. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have
won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist
that he remove all of his possessionsimmediately.
56. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood
donor, organ donor).
57. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that
you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your
roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim
that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
58. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain
that your feet hurt.
59. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying
to kill a mosquito.
60. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it,
tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans
to your roommate.
61. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a
hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost
of light bulbs.
62. Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then
stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops
on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
63. Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside
it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the
week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame
your roommate.
64. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take
notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your
roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
65. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one
that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be
done."
66. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow!
837-9494! Holy cow!")
67. Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If
your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box
with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box
with his/her shadow.
68. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell,
"Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
69. Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is
missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
70. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your
roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate
says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a
suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
71. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say,
"Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again,
immediately change the subject.
72. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the
mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put
the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
73. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit
your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and
grumble, "Damn road runner...."
74. Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what
you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
75. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
76. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to
have a conversation.
77. Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk
the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!
78. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your
roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech
to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while
eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
79. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your
roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope,
act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
80. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with
the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that
they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
81. Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your
roommate goes to take a shower.
82. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to
McDonalds, can I take your... Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
83. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things
and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her
that you just couldn't take it anymore.
84. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate
to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the
importance of good manners.
85. Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good
luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages.
When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe
used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
86. Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the
jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your
roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it.
Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern,
but you can't convince it to move out.
87. As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing
famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the
light, look around and pretend to be confused.
88. Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to
basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for
about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator
has been taking steroids.
89. Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you
love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on,
complain about how much you hate lemonade.
90. Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good
old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and
your roommate.
91. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about and
hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
92. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you.
Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these
zoos just aren't what they used to be."
93. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to
be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on
his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the
earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
94. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your
forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
95. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate
that the lobster is making up his own rules.
96. Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them,
and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day.
Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into
a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think
the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
97. While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can
fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate
objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
98. Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the
hall.
99. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set
up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the
camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again.
Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
100. Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're
for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your
roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having
bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did
it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and
that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily
and storm out of the room.
101 Ways to say "I'd love to, but..."
1.I have to floss my cat
2.I've dedicated my life to linguini
3.I want to spend more time with my blender
4.the President said he might drop in
5.the man on television told me to say tuned
6.I've been scheduled for a karma transplant
7.I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture
8.it's my parakeet's bowling night
9.it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People
10.I'm building a pig from a kit
11.I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it
12.I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy
13.there's a disturbance in the Force
14.I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling
15.I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted
16.I'm teaching my ferret to yodel
17.I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products
18.I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl
19.I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves
20.my crayons all melted together
21.I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes
22.I'm in training to be a household pest
23.I'm getting my overalls overhauled
24.my patent is pending
25.I'm attending the opening of my garage door
26.I'm sandblasting my oven
27.I'm worried about my vertical hold
28.I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise
29.I'm being deported
30.the grunion are running
31.I'll be looking for a parking space
32.my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then
33.the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots
34.I'm taking punk totem pole carving
35.I have to fluff my shower cap
36.I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian
37.I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other
38.I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist
39.my plot to take over the world is thickening
40.I have to fulfill my potential
41.I don't want to leave my comfort zone
42.it's too close to the turn of the century
43.I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary
44.my subconscious says no
45.I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store
46.I left my body in my other clothes
47.the last time I went, I never came back
48.I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting
49.I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters
50.none of my socks match
51.I have to be on the next train to Bermuda
52.I'm having all my plants neutered
53.people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War
54.I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out
55.I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator"
56.I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer
57.my yucca plant is feeling yucky
58.I'm touring China with a wok band
59.my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night
60.I never go out on days that end in "Y"
61.my mother would never let me hear the end of it
62.I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism
63.I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down
64.I'm too old/young for that stuff
65.I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair
66.I have too much guilt
67.there are important world issues that need worrying about
68.I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship
69.I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others
70.I promised to help a friend fold road maps
71.I feel a song coming on
72.I'm trying to be less popular
73.my bathroom tiles need grouting
74.I have to bleach my hare
75.I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner
76.I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons
77.you know how we psychos are
78.my favorite commercial is on TV
79.I have to study for a blood test
80.I'm going to be old someday
81.I've been traded to Cincinnati
82.I'm observing National Apathy Week
83.I have to rotate my crops
84.my uncle escaped again
85.I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup
86.I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar
87.I'm having my baby shoes bronzed
88.I have to go to court for kitty littering
89.I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush
90.I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner
91.having fun gives me prickly heat
92.I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me
93.I have to jog my memory
94.my palm reader advised against it
95.my Dress For Obscurity class meets then
96.I have to stay home and see if I snore
97.I prefer to remain an enigma
98.I think you want the OTHER [your name]
99.I have to sit up with a sick ant
100.I'm trying to cut down
101.…well, maybe
25 Ways to confuse your professors:
1.Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.
2.Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."
3.If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pyjamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.
4.Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"
5.Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.
6.Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.
7.Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.
8.Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.
9.Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.
10.Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.
11.Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...." 12.Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.
13.When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.
14.Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"
15.Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.
16.Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.
17.Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!" Apologise, and explain that you got confused.
18.Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.
19.Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window.
20.Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is "very inspiring."
21.Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.
22.When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.
23.Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.
24.Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."
25.Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.
50 Things to do in an elevator:
1.Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4.Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5.Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7.Shave.
8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14.One word: Flatulence!
15.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16.Do Tai Chi exercises.
17.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19.Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20.Meow occasionally.
21.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22.Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24.Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25.Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26.Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28.Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29.Leave a box between the doors.
30.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31.Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32.Start a sing-along.
33.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34.Play the harmonica.
35.Shadow box.
36.Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37.Lean against the button panel.
38.Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41.Bring a chair along.
42.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43.Blow spit bubbles.
44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45.Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46.Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49.Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50.If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
50 Things to do in the computer lab:
1.Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2.Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3.When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5
minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
4.Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5.Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
6.Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over and over again.
7.Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8.Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9.Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10.Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11.Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12.Type on the computer for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13.Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14.Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15.Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16.Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17."DISK FIGHT!!!"
18.Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19.Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20.If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21.Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that
women (men) are worthless.
22.Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23.When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24.Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25.Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26.Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the
person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27.If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbour's keyboard as you leave.
28.Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29.Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them
around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30.Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working
conditions.
31.Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32.Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33.Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an
entire paper this way.
34.Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35.Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36.Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37.When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38.Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39.Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbour is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill
isn't affected). Then look at your neighbour's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does
*your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of
your neighbour's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't
deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40.Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some
Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41.Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff
and leave, howling as you go.
42.Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back
and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked thhis time," and calmly
start to type again.
43.Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44.See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure
out you're a total stranger.
45.Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46.Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47.Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily,
exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug
your neighbour, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48.Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49.Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me
that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50.Two words: Tesla Coil.
25 Ways to copy with stress:
1.Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once.
2.Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3.Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4.When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5.Make a list of things to do that you've already done.
6.Dance naked in front of your pets.
7.Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
8.Fill out your tax forms using Roman Numerals.
9.Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
10.Leaf through a "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11.Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
12.Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13.Buy a subscription of "Sleezoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
14.Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15.Drive to work in reverse.
16.Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17.Tell your boss to "blow it out of your mule" and let them figure it out.
18.Polish your car with ear wax.
19.Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
20.Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognise it when it comes back to you.
21.Braid the hairs in each nostril.
22.Write a short story using alphabet soup.
23.Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
24.Make up a language and ask people for directions.
25.Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper.
101 Ways to be Obnoxious on Usenet:
1.Post a message asking how to post messages.
2.Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.
3.Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code", 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature.
4.Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.
5.Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.
6.Post a compendium of old articles from aa thread that died months ago with a title such as "*** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***"
7.Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.
8.On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.
9.Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune "for a poll".
10.Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the "two-strings-go-in-a-bar" joke.
11.Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet have its own sex group.
12.Post your new "War Heroes of India" FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.
13.Start this week's new AOL virus rumor.
14.Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).
15.Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new "HOOTERAMA" phone sex service or
"PorqWhiffe" pheramone cologne.
16.Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted
invisible microchips in your genitals.
17.Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts.
18.Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.
19.Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.
20.Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable interchange of provocative ideas.
21.Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number.
22.Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to send him their
measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy Crawford.
23.Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word "imbecile" in your followup flames.
24.Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.
25.Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.
26.Post personal ads on groups such as alt.sex.diapers listing your work phone number.
27.Post under the name Dave Rhodes.
28.Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10.
29.Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ.
30.Advise other readers to ftp to 127.0.0.1 for "really cool nudie pics".
31.Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles.
32.Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the answers, since you "don't read the group".
33.Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such as abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision, and the
relative superiority of Mac or PC operating systems.
34.Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in other readers, such as "SoHot4U", "SokSnifer", or "WetNWild".
35.Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressing someone with whom you disagree as "monkey boy".
36.Inform the readers of the sex groups that they're "going straight to hell", and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts.
37.Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncle's ex-girlfriend's boss knew received the donated heart of River Phoenix.
38.Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas or sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and Azeri
genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and ancient astronauts.
39.Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their killfile.
40.Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in wildly inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for not
responding.
41.Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology Documents/Computer
Subliminal Hypnosis ftp archive.
42.Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or pecking a feeder bar.
43.Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to rec.food.recipes.
44.Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks by challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as possible for the
word vomit.
45.Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or Emacs macros.
46.Claim that you can see "hidden images" in another person's posting when you cross your eyes.
47.Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos.
48.Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing.
49.Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts.
50.Accuse female posters of being male.
51.Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice.
52.Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a "newbie" because their 3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of 4.
53.Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is "judgemental".
54.If you've grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by accusing others of being Nazis.
55.Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a Sampo.
56.Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself.
57.Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores, and various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless.
58.Ask readers of sci.med for urgent, step-by-step instructions on removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned dark purple.
59.Insist that there's no such state in the U.S. as "New Mexico".
60.Post only in Esperanto.
61.Claim a copyright on the word "Usenet", and followup with a bill all posts you encounter that contain it.
62.Sell "posting permits" in news.announce.newusers.
63.Post single-part text messages in MIME format.
64.Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the drummer for your new band, "Death Monkeys".
65.Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under a name such as "Robert Bradley Smith, Jr."
66.In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup with their account passwords and credit card numbers.
67.Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can use at least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
68.List a cute organization name in your header, such as "Canadians for Global Warming".
69.Insult a poster from another nation based on his country's performance in World War II.
70.Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite newsgroups, as if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which shotgun is superior
in alt.games.doom.
71.Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who probably follows the group closely and is desperately curious about receiving feedback,
will see your impassioned plea and be so moved by your lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct that they pledge to desist from such
activity for all time.
72.Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line "BZZZT! Wrong answer!" or "Hello! McFly!"
73.Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature.
74.Post to soc.culture.women asking "what's your favorite brand of oven mitt, little ladies?"
75.Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in Portland willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup again with
the original article.
76.Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with strange, non-ASCII characters.
77.Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise, regardless of their relevance.
78.Make it clear from your postings that you've a profound inability to distinguish "The X Files" as fiction.
79.Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo.
80.Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you claim show clear evidence of alien settlements.
81.Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts.
82.Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to tax modem usage "in the name of freedom".
83.Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your posts.
84.Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig Shergold.
85.Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the castle.
86.POST IN ALL CAPS
87.omit all punctuation
88.omitallspaces
89.DOALLTHREEOFTHEABOVE
90.Ask the readers of alt.current-events.net-abuse where to purchase Cantor and Siegel's book.
91.Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy as the "Classified ATF Secret Hotline".
92.Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the favorite movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast. Post it weekly in its
entirety.
93.Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are correctly spelled.
94.Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned debate on the topic "AOL users suck".
95.Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes.
96.Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it "dply offnsiv".
97.Post to rec.music.misc insisting that "Curt Kobain should leave Pearl Jam since they'll never tour again."
98.Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love.
99.Followup another person's posts every twelve minutes to accuse them of "obsessing".
100.Followup two dozen of another person's posts to accuse them of harassing you. Send copious e-mail if you're ignored.
101.Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi Goldberg has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the International Dateline, and
whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named "Bluto" or "Brutus". |
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