Battle of the Sexes!
Jokes about men and women! If you are offended by explicit sexual language, do not continue. This page contains some mature ocntent that should not be viewed if you are under 12. And if you're over 90, just don't discuss this stuff with anyone.
Men vs women: The Lowdown

NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:

Relationships:

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Sex:

Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats:

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Comedy:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favourite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Magazines:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

Going out:

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

Shoes:

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Leg warmers:

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line".

Cats:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors:

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

Garages:

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies:

For women, their favourite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy".

Jewellery:

Women look nice when they wear jewellery. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:

Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:

Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Directions:

If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighbourhood. I recognise that White Hen store".

Admitting Mistakes:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

Richard Gere:

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

Offspring:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favourite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Nudity in Movies:

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

David Letterman:

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Cameras:

Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

Politics:

Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

Locker Rooms:

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room--sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE.

Laundry:

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

Weddings:

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".

Cheerleaders:

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

Socks:

Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Toys:

Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalisers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

Plants:

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Moustaches:

Some men look good with moustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with moustaches.

Nicknames:

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.

50 facts about men:

1.Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2.Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3.If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of his early films will end with a scream and a flush.
4.Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5.Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6.Men are very confident people. They are so confident that when they watch sports on television, they think that if they concentrate it can help their team.
7.If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.
8.Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9.Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10.All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11.The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12.Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
13.Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14.All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. Some women sleep with one under their pillow instead of a gun.
15.A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16.Men love watches with multiple functions.
17.All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18.Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19.Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20.All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not.
21.Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22.Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23.Men have higher body temperatures than women. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24.Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25.Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26.If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27.If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
28.Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29.No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30.When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31.When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32.Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33.Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34.Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
35.If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget...he didn't lose your number...he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36.Men hate to lose.
37.Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
38.Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you...I want to marry you...I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39.Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40.Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41.Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42.Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43.Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. They need men emotionally and sexually, but they also need men to help them get dressed.
44.Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45.When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46.Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47.Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48.That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
49.Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50.All men would still really like to own a train set.

Reading the signs:

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those give-away gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS."

Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex
Man gets in car without opening door for woman - No foreplay
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins
Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is a virgin
Can't hail a cab - Impotent
Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif - Compulsive Don Quixote
Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don Juan
Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho
Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow
Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow
Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm
Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will not go "all the way"
Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skilful gymnastics in bed
Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue
Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't
Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only
Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs
Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation
Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come
Insists on having some of whatever you ordered - Will make you sleep on the wet spot
Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you
Changes tables - Nymphomaniac
Drinks Decaf. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)
Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male)
Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then try to borrow money
Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty during sex
Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob
Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch
Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball posters
Credit card is refused - Low sperm count
Undertips waiter - Small penis
Undertips parking valet - Small penis
Undertips cabbie - Small penis
Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything
Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex
Cellular phone in car - Penile implant

What guys say and what they really mean:


It is just orange juice, try it.............. 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.

She's kind of cute ........................I want to bang her till I am blue

I don't know if I like her ................She won't blow me

I need you .................................My hand is tired

I had her ...................................I had (wet dreams about) her all week

I really want to get to know you.... ...so I can tell my friends about it
better

How do I compare with all your .......Is my penis really that small?
other boyfriends?

You're the only girl I've ever ..........You are the only girl who has not rejected me
cared about

I want you back ..........................for tonight anyway

We've been through so much...........If it was not for you, I never would have lost my
together....................................virginity

I miss you so much......................I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good

No, I do not want to dance right now .......Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on

The break-up should not start .........I want to have sex a few more times
for another 24 hours

I am different from all the other guys.......I am not circumcised

What women say and what they really mean:

Can't we just be friends? ...............There is no way in hell I am going to let any part of your
.............................................body touch any part of mine, again.

I just need some space ..................without you in it

Can you help me with my ..............If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.
homework?

Do I look fat in this dress?............. We haven't had a fight in a while

No, pizza's fine .........................Cheap bastard

I just do not want a boyfriend..........I just do not want (you as a) boy-friend now
now

I don't know; what do you .............I can't believe that you have nothing planned
want to do?

Come here ...............................My puppy does this too

I like you but............................ I don't like you

You never listen........................ You never listen

We're moving too quickly ............I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy
............................................in Bio has a girlfriend

I'll be ready in a minute ...............I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know
...........................................you will.

Oh, no, I will pay for myself .........I am just being nice; there is no way I am going dutch

Oh Yes! Right there ...................Well, near there; I just want to get this over with

I'm just going out with the ..........We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your
girls ....................................friends

There's no one else ....................I am doing your brother

Size doesn't count..................... unless I want an orgasm


Questions, Comments, Feedback:

Reefa4@hotmail.com
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